Living with Grief After the Loss of a Child

Mourning the loss of your child will likely be the hardest thing you will ever face.  Your emotions are raw. Your heart aches. You are shaken to the core. You have spent endless hours loving worrying about, comforting and nurturing your child, but these hours may feel like they were not enough.  It may seem that you will never smile or feel like yourself again. Yet there may be pressure for you to put on a “mask” and go about your daily duties trying to hide your pain and grief.  

Be patient. Grief reactions come and go, and can show up over many months and years. Over time though, you do learn to adjust to life without their physical presence and begin to focus more on the joy they brought to your life than on the immense sorrow their death has brought. Every person’s timeline is different.  You may experience a multitude of emotions including:

• Anger: can be a confusing but a common reaction to the loss of a loved one. It is a way of feeling the helplessness and frustration that you can no longer have this person in your life and that you have less control over life than you thought.
• Shock or Denial: It is hard to believe that the world has really changed because the person you loved is no longer in it. We try to pretend that nothing has happened, that this can’t be real.
• Numbness: a way we block out the overwhelming feelings of pain and loss.
• Confusion: can show up as absent-mindedness, forgetfulness, trouble putting thoughts in order.
• Sadness: Some people cry a lot, others not so much. Tears are a way of releasing stress hormones that build up in our bodies.  However, the amount a person cries is not an indication about love the person had for the one who died. 
• Guilt: the feeling that not enough was done to help, or that important things were left unsaid.
• Relief: If things had been difficult between you and the deceased, or if the deceased had been very ill, this can be a normal expression of the mourning process.  One that is experienced frequently, but rarely shared. 

Typically, these symptoms diminish over time:

• Change in appetite, either overeating or undereating
• Low energy level or fatigue, even when there has been no physical activity
• Stomach upset or headaches
• Sleep disturbance, either sleeping a lot or inability to fall asleep
• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Becoming more aggressive or irritable
• Inability to concentrate
• Sadness and crying over unrelated experiences

• Express your feelings. Talk to a friend, write in a journal, somehow vent your feelings.
• Seek caring people. This could be a support group, family and relatives, or just someone who has the ability to listen like a professional counselor or therapist.
• Avoid making major life changes such as moving or changing jobs for the first 6 months to a year if possible.
• Make sure to take care of your own health. Eat well and exercise.  Even a brief walk can be very beneficial.  
• Be patient.  It may take months or years to begin to accept your loss.

(Adapted from Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: J. William Worden)

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center of your life. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming activities you previously enjoyed, individual counseling may be helpful.